


To love and be loved

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, During Canon, First Time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-01
Updated: 2012-08-19
Packaged: 2018-09-06 09:19:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8744299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Sam knows how deep he's in with his brother. The only thing he didn't count on was Castiel.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).
> 
>  **Author's notes:** Unfortunately these characters do not belong to me. Still,I raise my hat to Kripke and the CW for inventing them. Thank you wherever you are.

Sam sat in the impala, a look that could kill in his eyes. A look that was directed straight at an angel, Castiel to be exact. He knew that Cas and his brother were close but he didn't know how deep it went. This was unfathomable. How Dean had gone from straight and all out woman loving to angel loving was beyond him. And since he decided that he liked men, why didn't he think of Sam like that? Sam had been in love with the brunette for so long that he couldn't remember when it had happened. That was after all the reason he left for Stanford, he couldn't stand to be that close without touching, kissing. So he hurt his brother more than he could have imagined and he did it with relief.

 

Sam closed his eyes tight against the pain in his heart, the pain of knowing and regret. Maybe if he had said something that would be him in there instead of that... man. But alas Sam was too chicken and he always would be. He opened his eyes and looked once more at the men inside the motel room. They were done and coming out. As Dean opened the door, he turned to look at the car. As if he knew that he was being watched, a strange expression on his face. It was a look that Sam had seen every now and again, confusion and wonderment. He wondered just what was going on in his mind when that look appeared but Dean never told him, seemed like Dean took extra care not to let anything slip. Still, Sam couldn't help but think it was about him. How could he not? If it was so innocent, then why was Dean hiding it? But hiding things had started to come natural to the Winchester brothers, especially Dean. 

 

It was no secret that his brother didn't trust him and that hurt more than the new knowledge about his relationship with Cas. He had done everything he could think of to regain the lost trust but nothing seemed to get through to Dean. It was like his brother wouldn't even consider giving him a second chance, like it was beyond his capability. Sam had seen the sadness every so often the other man's eyes, seen the longing. Maybe Dean was as lost as him, not knowing which way to turn. But Sam thought that he should turn to the one person who would never hurt him again, his brother. But that wasn't true. He had hurt Dean, more than just going to Stanford. It seemed like e couldn't stop hurting his brother, no matter what he did and for what reasons. How could he ever make Dean understand that his motivation was and always would be to protect him? He had tried, oh how he tried, but he never listened. Instead choosing to believe that Sam lusted after power and maybe it was partially true. After all, how many horrible things were done in the name of protection? How many things could have been avoided if people had maintained some sense of humanity and compassion? 

 

Sam shook his head at the thoughts running through his brain and chose to once again to stare at his brother in the hotel room. He couldn't go in yet, not with the room smelling of new sex like he knew it would be. Sam had seen and it sickened him. But what sickened him the most were his own feelings,. feelings of jealousy and rage. He knew he had no right to feel like that, no claim to the brunette that held his heart. But he couldn't help it. In his mind, Dean was his and nobody would take him away. Not even some puffed up angel. 

 

Sam sighed and slowly got out of the car, dreading the conversation that he knew was coming. The questions he didn't want to answer and the look of disappointment across the other man's features. But he knew he couldn't avoid it, had it coming. Maybe Dean would force the truth out of him and in some fucked up way, he wanted him to. He just hoped that when it came out, Dean wouldn't hate him, he couldn't think of anything worse than losing his brother. Maybe there wouldn't be any other choice. Sam didn't know. But what he did know was that he was tired of hiding, tired of all the lies. Both he and Dean would have to come clean and that was a start to becoming brothers again and that was worth more than anything else. Hopefully Dean felt the same way.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean was aware he was being watched, had known it for awhile. He could feel the eyes boring into him. He glanced down at his lover who was still asleep, exhausted from their last bout of love making. It still boggled him how an angel could even want him. He was scarred in and out from this life. Too many battles, too many motels, and too many hurts to count had left it's mark and he was tired. All he really wanted now was someone to say that everything would be ok and comfort him when he most needed it. Cas had done all that and more for him and nothing he could do would ever be enough. This small part of him he shared would have to be enough, he was too pulled in every direction to give more. Between apocalypses and brothers going mad, he was running low on fuel. Still, there was nothing he wouldn't do for his brother, his Sammy. He had been charged to protect this person from the time he was four and he would for as long as he needed him to. Even if that meant he had to sacrifice himself in the process, he would do it. How could he not? Sam meant more to him than anything but Cas was a close second. 

 

Dean knew that the angel would never ask him to choose between them, but he wasn't so sure about Sam. He had a sinking feeling that the death glare coming in from the moonlight was his brother and he wondered at that. Could it be that Sam suspected the feelings he had for him and it disgusted him in all it's wrongness or could there be something else going on? He had caught his brother looking at him a few times and before Sam could look away he'd see an almost longing look in his eyes. But what did that look mean? Was it a yearning to be free of him, of this life? He knew that's what he wanted at one time and probably still did. After all, this life was never meant for one as gentle as his brother. Even after everything that has happened he still maintains a semblance of that person. But what if it was more, how would he deal with that? He couldn't just tell Cas see ya later, I have the man I really want. It wasn't fair to him and he couldn't hurt him like that. But Sammy, he had wanted that for so many years like breathing. Could he really tell his brother no? Dean was pulled out of his musings by a gentle touch next to him, surprised that he hadn't heard the angel wake. Castiel smiled at him and leaned up for a kiss.

 

"And what are you thinking about?" Castiel asked as he pulled back from the other man. 

 

"Just you and how lucky I am to have you." Dean replied leaning in for another kiss. Castiel put his hand out to stop him.

 

"You are lying but I like your answer anyway." He said and removed his hand so his lover could kiss him.

 

"I have to go." Cas said as he got up and reached for clothes, not wanting to return to heaven but knowing he had to since he felt the summons to go. He knew what was on the other man's mind, what was always on his mind. His brother, the only obstacle standing between him and Dean, the only obstacle he wasn't willing to get rid of. Cas loved this man in front of him more than anything else in the universe with the exception of his father. It had been Dean who had taught him just what these feelings were. But there was also a pulling towards the younger Winchester, like a complex puzzle he couldn't quite figure out. Dean and Sam were so completely different that he sometimes wondered how they managed to travel with each other without tearing each other apart. It could possibly be how well they compliment one another that saves them from that fate. He felt like a yoyo being pulled from one to the other but Dean always managed to be the victor. He had one the angel's heart so thoroughly that nothing could break it. But Sam. He saw the looks that he sent Dean's way, not realizing that he was being watched. And it didn't bother him, not really. Cas didn't know the meaning of jealousy. If Dean asked, he would share him with Sam in a heart beat but he knew he wouldn't. Dean thought he was saving his little brother by not letting him know of the feelings he had, thought he was keeping a little bit of normal in the younger man's life. If he only knew that he felt the same that would probably change and Cas might not have him any longer. 

 

They walked to the door together, both lost in their own musings. Dean dreading the upcoming conversation with his brother and Cas wanting to be selfish about his lover but knowing that he couldn't. Dean looked over at the impala, sitting there like it spying on something it shouldn't. He felt that dirty look pointed his way again but as he stared at the car he realized that this one was different. It wasn't aimed at him but the angel in his arms. Shock crossed his face. What could his brother have against Cas that would warrant the I hate you look that was only reserved for evil things? He didn't know but he was going to find out. As for Cas, he knew what the glare meant and was just biding his time until after the talk to find out what Dean wanted him to do. Because after all, Dean was what was important and nothing else mattered right now, not even heaven.


	3. Chapter 3

  
Author's notes: Sorry it took me so long to write a new chapter, just had a lot going on. Please let me know what you think of the new chapter.  


* * *

Sam walked quietly into the motel room. He had sensed that Dean knew he was watching and wondered at how he might react. But as he closed the door, everything was silent. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Dean was supposed to do one of two things, yell at him or push him against the wall and kiss him with wild abandon. The latter would be preferable. But this deafening silence was terrifying him. He couldn’t even make himself turn on the light. Sam walked over to Dean’s bed and with a shaking hand, reached over to wake his brother up. But his hand fell on empty sheets. He blew out a breath and turned on the lamp light, wondering if all this worry was for nothing. Dean sat in a chair, looking at him with curious eyes. Sam cleared his throat, nervousness coursing through him and not knowing what to say. Dean sighed and got up.

 

“Finally decided to come in, did you?” Dean asked, raising an eyebrow. Sam glanced at the door. Looking for an escape. He thought he was ready for this confrontation but he was wrong. He just wanted to bolt or maybe start this day over again without spying on his brother. And unluckily for him, the door was across the room. Dean would catch him before he reached it. Since there was no other choice, he decided to play it down, hoping that his instincts were wrong.

“Yeah. The bars were a little dead tonight so I thought I would get a good night’s sleep. You know me; the bars really aren’t my scene anyway.” Sam said and started getting undressed; hoping Dean would let it go at that. But once again fate intervened.

 

“I saw you Sam.” His brother said and he stopped dead in his tracks. He inwardly groaned. He knew this wasn’t going to end well, felt it in his bones but he turned around anyway.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He replied.

“I saw you watching me and Cas.” Dean said, searching the other man’s face. He wanted to know why Sam was watching. But more than that, he wanted to know who that hatred was for that Sam was spewing out. He walked up to Sam, putting a hand on his shoulder.

“I just want answers, Sam. Tell me why you were watching us.” Dean said gently, not wanting to spook his obviously uncomfortable brother. Sam shrugged and looked down. He honestly didn’t know why he was so morbidly obsessed tonight to watch the man he loved with somebody else. He knew it was wrong and killed him inside. But something just made him do it. Maybe it was curiosity getting the better of him. Like what was so wrong with him that he would choose an angel over his own brother. Forgetting the fact that Dean might not ever think of him like that, he thought that he should have more loyalty than that.

“Just tell me Sam. I’m not going to get mad at you.” Dean said as if talking to a child. Sam sighed frustratingly and ran a hand through his hair. 

“Don’t you know Dean? Haven’t I dropped enough clues?” Sam asked. Dean stared at him, confusion written all over his face. He didn’t know what his brother was talking about. There was no clues, no nothing to tell him what was wrong with his brother. Sam just got angrier as he looked at the obviously perplexed man in front of him.

 

“Really? You don’t know how I feel about you? God! Sometimes you are so frustrating! Maybe this is enough of a clue for you.” Sam exclaimed as he pushed his brother back against the wall. He leaned in and took Dean’s mouth in a savage kiss, groaning at the taste of the other man. Lost in his Sam’s embrace, Dean could think of nothing else but how good those lips felt on his. He had waited so long for this moment that everything dimmed around the edges. All that was left was him and his Sammy. He pushed back at the other man, grinding himself against him, wanting more friction. At the back of his mind a voice said stop! You shouldn’t be doing this. And somehow it got through to his addled brain. Dean pushed Sam away, images of how Castiel would look when he found out dancing in his mind. HE looked down, ashamed at having forgotten about his angel. Sam stared at him, confusion coursing through him. He now knew that Dean wanted him just as badly as he did. But something stopped him. It angered him to know that it was probably Cas that had drove him away. He leaned back in, ready to finish what they had started and make his brother forget about the angel. But Dean pushed him away with a hand on his chest.

 

“We can’t do this Sam.” Dean said quietly, almost too quiet for him to hear. 

 

“Why not? I know you want me. Why can’t we just have this one night together? Forget about Mom and Dad, forget about Cas. All we have is each other, Dean. Please.” Sam replied. Dean turned his head away, not able to stand the pain in his brother’s eyes.

“I can’t.” Dean said, unable to look at Sam, knowing that he would see pain there. Sam moved away stiffly. He had thought that for just one moment things might go his way. But he should have known better. He was never lucky, especially where Dean was concerned. Sam backed away, his back hitting the door. He glanced at Dean once more before he opened it, yearning for his brother to stop him. But Dean couldn’t. A tear escaped his eye as he ran out. He didn’t know where he was going or if he would come back. He only knew that he couldn’t be here with Dean right now. It was just too painful. As he started up the car, his mind raced with the image of Dean kissing him and what might have happened if he had said yes. Sam shook his head and backed out. He couldn’t look at what might have been but to the future and what he was going to do. He drove down the road to nothingness and he feared that that’s all there would be.


End file.
